let me bleed

"You hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside."
-Girl Interrupted

nothing and no one
fuck me fuck me fuck me. binged. purged. mini binge again. laxatives. cut.
the only thing i can feel is my arm pulsating. at least its something tangible.
numbness has invaded my core- and im screaming so loud inside but only whispers of nothingness leave my lips. frustration and anger at myself. i am a failure, nothing, and no one.

1. Obsessions
Often left muted behind tender lips of shame- for acknowledgment proves fault
Burying deeper the scarred memories into the heart’s cobwebbed confines
Something to relieve the damn alarms battling for attention in each hemisphere
Encasing the tears that drown the silenced with riddled adversities
Serving to contain the anxiety that invades the innermost of marrows
Self-sacrificing for moments of pure nothingness- bliss
Indulgence in those pleasures that litter the bile stained floors of graffiti’d motels
Operating by routine, locked to constant- keyless and frantic
Never ceasing thoughts about imperfections in life’s framed facades
Subjecting the innocent to what is often left muted behind lips of shame.

2.Surging, Pulsing, it's Rhythm
Sprawled out on the cold tile floor
I am captivated
Each vibration pulsing against my skin, penetrating it
My heart- sync with its rhythm
Body explodes with passion, electrifying it
My head is surging
Chemicals invoking transmission in every direction
The needle is not only prepared
It has pierced my skin and surrendered its contents
Purely unparallel
I age with passion as the sound continues to penetrate me
Blood surges uncontrollably in my body
Creating a beat of its own, complementing what is
We dance together
A violent fashion
Leaving us entangled, meshed, one
Together allows transformation
A butterfly emerges from its golden chrysalis
Flight into the depths of absolution
Here I am captivated
Sprawled out on the cold tile floor
Surging, pulsing, it's rhythm.

Here I sit, alone in my thought
My mind racing, seldom does it ever stop
What will I become, whom will I amount to be
I pray to my Lord, set my mind free

Somedays I sleep, I sleep thought the commotion
I want to cry but I fall distant from emotions
What I long for is to feel something real
Joy, despair, hope, something I can feel

Why am I like this, does anyone care,
I sit alone, alone in despair
Numbness had flooded my soul, heart, and mind
It encases my thoughts, it leaves little behind

So here I lay, and silence turns to screams
I pray so hard for someone to hear me
The screams they echo- into long lost tears
The tears they fade- and again another day reveals my fears

As days turn to weeks, and months into years
i realize less- and see nothing in the mirror
the reflection that stares- whom stares so silently
is someone I know- yet still a distant memory

I remember the times- I laughed smiled and played
I was a child and all my troubles faded away
But as mommy and daddy fought more and more
I turned off the lights and I put on my show
I smiled and talked
Rarely did I complain
I was the perfect child however I was still blamed

The refused to notice the pain in my face
All they say was the daughter they embraced
As time trickled by I quickly learned
the person I was pretending to be is now the one everyone knows

They know a lie, and little truth
They see me but not what true
A mask, a façade, something to covers
the child longing for a mother

someone to hold, someone to care
to let me know ill be ok, to let me know the world I can bear
till then however I will cope
ill learn to be strong im determined to find hope


Hey everyone,
So i had a super rough past few days, i had a chem test today and, as usual, i stressed myself out way to much. I studies for like 7 hr.'s wed, and then at 9 hr.'s scheduled for yesterday, not including the 2 hr class, 3 hr discussion, and 1 hr workshop. So anyway in about in about my 6th hour or so of my eyes fixated on chem everything, i get all tired and i'm like "fuck", i hated myself for not being able to stay up, and finish studying. So i did it. I cut. This isnt something that new to me, it has paralleled my struggle with anorexia and bulimia. But the thing is it had been a good 4 months or so since i had done it- plus its summer so i am dissuaded to cut because of the more practical, t-shirt and shorts and occasional bathing suit, which leave minimal room to cut on. But regardless, i did it. And i had no regrets- none today either, in fact while changing the bandage i did it again. Its rather interesting- cutting is soothing to me because i take care of myself after- im super particular, and i feel like im nurturing myself when im changing the bandage ext. The same goes with my eating disorder- somehow i feel i am taking care of myself... Anyway, i took my test today, and it went pretty well (overstudied, per usual) and i cant help but feel the need to sleep (im running on like 2.5 hours i do believe) buuuut all i want to do is clean the house when im done with this. I am obsessive about a clean kitchen (well clean/ organized everything), maybe cause when i do eat it needs to be a perfectly clean- if its not im repulsed to where i cant eat (some of you may think this is a good thing- but i know my body needs to intake minimal calories or else i'm going back to the hospital). So yes- i ended up staying awake after i cut and finished my studying, woke up at 4 or so and did more- then took the damn test. It was really rather pointless to stress myself out to the point to hurting myself but it happens and i have accepted that. Just thought i would share. Time to go smoke and clean-
till next time.

scale came in the mail... finally
SOOO my scale  came. and i swore i was going to see the 140 or more pop up when i got on. But to my suprise it said 129, so i was excited, but i mean its not what i want to be- but its closer then 140.
C/W: 129
H/W: 145
L/W: 70
in 19, in college, and have struggled with an ED for the past 5-6 years.... and sadly still struggle with it just the same as before.

i havent eatten much the past few days, when i did i binged and purged, (and i am pretty sure i got all the shit up)- but obviously you are going to retain calories from a binge :(

FUCKing Calculus midterm tomorrow- study time- shot me now

be back later girlies



Day 1, November 1st (i like it)
so today i have to go to class, take a test, go to another 3 hr class, then come home and do a photoshot. I am super excited about the photoshot, im the photographer not model haha, my friend Danny is comming over to be in it and my roomate kathleen is modeling. I am telling a 30 slide story about a drug overdose pretty much.... its going to be intense but i like intensity.


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